Forging a path through the unresolved
From feeling powerless . . .
From feeling powerless . . .
From feeling powerless . . .
Fostering a sense of control through the powerlessness of an unsolved homicide lies in how we see our story, how we live it and validate it for our own well-being. Murder, Shame and Redemption
to transforming defeat.
From feeling powerless . . .
From feeling powerless . . .
- Identity Integration Integrated Advocacy
- Externalization Externalizing the Unfinished Task
- Validation Validation and Manifestation
- Reframing Changing the Narrative
Find your power in the response.
When Justice Fails, Self-Validate
Victim Impact Statement
One of the most profound vehicles for validating the impact of a homicide is a Victim Impact Statement (VIS). This important tool in the healing process is not available to survivors in unsolved cases. Your experience matters whether validated in a courtroom or not. Write your Victim Impact Statement for yourself.
Write Your Point of View
Who was your loved one? Tell their story.
Who was he/she/they in your family? In your life?
Write the impact, the investigation, the engagement with the criminal justice system and changes to life that resulted therein.
Write Through the Pain
The impact of an unsolved homicide is constant, the response evolves. The purpose of writing is to integrate and empower rather than disassociate and be controlled by the experience.
Writing is Noticing
Writing Leads to Reframing
Writing is Reflecting
Notice when you feel triggered,
when you feel supported.
When/where do feelings of defeat surface? What creates a release when those feelings arise?
Writing is Reflecting
Writing Leads to Reframing
Writing is Reflecting
Where did I start and where am I going now?
What “wants” do I have outside of the confines of the case going to trial?
What concerns take up mental energy: positive and/or negative?
Writing Leads to Reframing
Writing Leads to Reframing
Writing Leads to Reframing
Who or what defines success?
What do I think I am supposed to be doing as I advocate for justice?
What do I want to do?
How can what I want to do lead to my
well-being?
10 Coping Strategies for Living Without Closure
- Live what is true for you, while honoring others’ experiences.
- Direct feelings into action via focused physical release.
- Express thoughts through writing/journaling.
- Notice patterns in reactions; acknowledge and accept triggers.
- Accept and embrace all of who you are.
- Find and read a daily quote of inspiration.
- Reframe: your reality, the story and your response.
- Practice breathing deeply and slowly.
- Allow for progressing forward and falling backward.
- Act from your heart without dependence on the outcome.
Hi, I'm Lori Grande
When The First 48’s filming of my brother’s (William F. Fenzau) homicide investigation resulted in a botched case and all charges dropped on the suspect, I became the driving force behind the continued investigation by the City of Miami Police and the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office. I jumped between the roles of mother, teacher and sleuth. My life depended upon getting the case to trial until my life depended upon finding a way to live in peace.
In the retelling of the Native American Legend, The Story of Jumping Mouse, by John Steptoe, a young mouse faces an onslaught of obstacles, sacrifices parts of himself to others, and laments that he is not the same mouse from when his journey began. As I pursued the investigation into my brother's murder, I was comforted while reading this book to kindergarteners at snack time. Each time Jumping Mouse lost another part of himself, he found courage by repeating the phrase, "there will be a way." Likewise, I believed that eventually there would be a way to justice.
My identity of teacher and mother were my salvation. Whether resolving conflict at recess or reading a bedtime story to my daughter, I shut off the case and entered the present moment. Over the years, I transformed and manifested another identity, that of sleuth, or more descriptively, as one witness nicknamed me, "Hunter." The transformation was ugly. Eventually, like Jumping Mouse, I accepted how I changed and learned to fly.
Before I speak to where I have arrived, I must provide the context of how and why I got here. My hope is that by recalling this journey and what I learned, it will be helpful to those catapulted into the aftermath of a homicide and/or the absence of justice.
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor Frankl
Traumatic Bereavement
Traumatic bereavement is a singular journey that is benefited by the company of others. Some might find healing in support groups, others with individual counseling or with a trusted friend. Still others will turn to short or long-term use of psychiatric medicine, or find support in a religious community, or maybe even a community not related to bereavement at all, but where one feels seen and heard. Likewise, one approach for support may begin to fade in its effectiveness and necessitate a replacement. Traumatic bereavement needs a healthy container where it can be addressed, nurtured, expressed and honored. However, one size does not fit all.
This is the reason behind this section. My hope is that it offers enough options of support for bereavement after homicide that no one has to feel alone. It takes more than one root to support a soul.
Traumatic Bereavement Articles
Grief and Loss Organizations & Education
Supporting Resilience
Lyda Hill Institute for Human Resilience
Articles on Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence